So I just got done re reading a book I had to read for Intro to Ed...the Educating Esme one. It reminded me of why and how much I really really want to become a teacher. So this got me to researching the Praxis exam...which I have to take in order to even consider being certified. I am really nervous about this because to put it bluntly...I believe my math level is that of an 8th grader. SO....With that being said, I have to really study up on math...or I dont get my dream job. Like hardcore study. I looked at the exam...the practice test...and I had no idea how to do even the basic algebra problems...I am fucked. Therefore, I believe I am going to start with the basics and start studying from scratch the math that was never taught to me in the 9th-12th grade due to having the most horrible teacher and class I have ever been in. This has royally fucked me over. I dont know what I would do if I dont become a teacher. This has been all I have ever wanted. I really want this so badly. I love kids, and I want to change lives. I cant imagine doing anything else. That is why every other job I have ever had I hated and wanted to quit because I felt it was worthless....and not worth my time. Except karate. I taught karate since I was thirteen until I was 18. That is five years five days a week of being with children and teaching them not only karate, but character building skills, morals, life lessons....I was their role model. I know it is true when I see them showing off their new "Ms. B. haircut" or "Ms. B. shoes" as they called it when they asked their parents to get their hair cut like mine or get a shirt or earrings or necklace or braceletts....or when I hear them using my catch phrases that I used on them in class with eachother...or being able to reply to me the knowledge and information I have taught them and them being able to go on and to teach someone else. Or having their parents call me and tell me that when they received that good job note I mailed to them last week...that they slept with it every night and took it with them everywhere they went. Or having the parents come up to me and say thank you for changing my kids life and thank you for giving them a positive role model to look up to. Damn I miss teaching karate. I miss teaching kids. I loved having an impact on their lives. I really do. I want to make a difference. I feel like this is what I am meant to do...I am ready to get started NOW...lol This book is really inspiring apparently. But even so...even though I know I want to do it and I know I have the passion for it...I am going to have to get through all of these formalities and standardized tests in order to achieve it....I know that is important...so we can weed out the people who really shouldnt be teachers...but then I have to wonder how some of the teachers I have had in the past became teachers and if they should really base it on how well someone knows math or english.....or if they should base it on their performance in the classroom and the childrens progress...hell I don't know...I guess you need both? I just have to hope I do well...I have never been good at standardized tests....ever.

My shadow's
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in
I wanna feel the changes coming down
I wanna know what I've been hiding in

My shadow
Change is coming through my shadow
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions

I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within

My shadow
Change is coming
Now is my time
Listen to my muscle memory
Contemplate what I've been clinging to
Forty six and two ahead of me

I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through

I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through

See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me
Soften this old armor
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side
Step into the shadow
Forty six and two are just ahead of me

    Sometimes I really wonder what exactly is the "truth" about our exsistence. I mean...there are so many different versions of what it is...and who knows if there even is a "truth". I am so sick of people pushing christianity on me and saying shit like..."Well the bible says this...the bible says that..." And sometimes I find it hard to believe that so many people can believe in this book...where half of the stuff in it seems just so improbable to me...and when I mention this or question Christianity people always reply..."Well that's where faith comes in....you cant question it or you wont be let into heaven...." "Really...." I'd say, then I usually just shut up and discontinue the argument....they always play the "faith" card when it seems they cannot back up their argument anymore. I do not hate all Christians...and if that is what you believe and what you wanna do that is totally cool with me. It is your life and your decisions. Let me make my own and have my own beliefs. My roomates...I love them to death and we were friends before we roomed together this year....but both of them are preachers kids. Sooooo yeah....slightly different views. They do not know as of right now that I dont think I really believe in God. Lately we cant even fucking watch Law and Order SVU withouth getting into petty arguments. They are the most closed minded people I have ever met. They believe all gay people are going to hell...this really angers me because one of my roomates best friends is a gay guy...and she still believes it. They totally shut people out whenever they find out someone is not a christian. Its like, I thought you werent supposed to be judgemental....doesnt it say something about THAT in the fucking bible? One of my roomates also has sex all the fucking time and gets on me about choosing to wait with my boyfriend to do so....only for the reason that we want it to be something special that we do when we get married....obviously not for the religious reason since we are both agnostic. I am so sick of hypocrits...and how people are like "Yeah i love God and Jesus and I am a christian...but let me go fuck around and get drunk all the time and be an asshole to everyone and condemn people and judge them and not be a nice person....but all I have to do is ask God for forgiveness and I will get into heaven over someone who did not go to church but was a good person and a nice person and was very generous and open minded..."Right okay. One thing that really really irritated me was yesterday...my roomates and I were discussing when we were going to go on our Christmas dinner date together. We had planned for Monday and one of my roomates told us that she and her boyfriend wanted to go feed the homeless on that day and decided last minute...even though we already had plans. I am totally cool with that. I love to help people. I do community service all the time...and I think that is so awesome of her to do that. My other roomate states...and I swear this is exactly what she said, "What about feeding us? There will always be homeless people! Jesus said that in the bible. You can feed them another day.." Holy fucking shit I almost passed out. I was like are you fucking kidding me. This same person is trying to start shit with me because I am a vegetarian and she thinks its ridiculous because "God put animals on this earth for us to eat because we are the higher beings and it is part of the circle of life. And vegans are always sick and that should tell them something because apparently our bodies were made by God to need the nutrients from animals..." LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE IT IS MY CHOICE TO DO THIS BECAUSE OF MY OWN PERSONAL BELIEFS AND I DO NOT CONDEMN YOU AND CRITICIZE YOU FOR EATING THAT HAMBURGER IN FRONT OF ME! I do NOT EVER tell ANYONE that it is wrong for them to eat meat. That is their own decision. Leave me alone about mine and I will leave you alone about yours. She went on to say it says in the bible you shouldnt be a vegetarian...what the fuck....look it up for me and prove it then to where it says that exactly and it has not been glossed over.
     And by the way...I am totally not trying to diss Christians...and I know not all of you are like this. Most of you are really cool about it and keep it to yourself or just do not judge which is awesome. So I am not trying to piss people off. This is my journal thing. I created this separately from my xanga and livejournal so I could say what I really felt and say whatever I wanted without gossip, rumors, and drama starting because I dont know of anyone  at my school who uses this...at least not any of my group of friends I hang out with.  So to anyone who is offended by this I am truly sorry and that is not my intention. These are just my opinions and beliefs and questions. Do not ridicule me about mine and I will not ridicule you about yours.
     I feel like sometimes religion is just something made up to make people feel better and to be able to use it as a crutch. They use religion to have faith in something to give them comfort....and thats fine. I just dont want to do that...and if it helps some people then awesome for them. It has been proven that prayer has made a difference and helped people...but it was shown across the entire world. Not just Christian believing countries....that means buddhists and muslims and every other religion was included in this statistic....so apparently not one religion is the right one if prayer helped everyone. That is why religion, to me, is a state of mind and is a  healing  tool for us...  I am just ready to focus on continuing to be a good, caring, kind, and sensitive person and whatever happens happens.  I am taking a special topics english course next semester called "Reading the Bible as a Piece of Literature". I think it will be really interesting and I am looking forward to reading the Bible. Perhaps so I can make my arguments stronger and maybe even see all of these sayings that people claim are in the bible.